So it’s been like over 2 months since I posted. I’m really really sorry!

So the baby making project was put on ice for a while when I went home to visit the mother land as my sister gave birth to her bundle of joy. I have learnt to be more accepting and forgiving too. Something that’s been really hard for me to do, I am what they call…STUBBORN!

Mr. Man and I have been relaxing since coming back from our overseas visit. I wasn’t caring so much about when I was ovulating and I wasn’t on Mr. Man’s back about the Baby Dance schedule. We were like…”whatever”.

Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been blogging recently because we weren’t activly trying.

We arrived back from the mother land on the 28th of September. Ever since we’ve been back, I have not had my period. I’m around about 8 days late, I’ve never been this late before. I’ve done several pregnancy tests but all of them came up negative.

(Oh, I forgot to tell you…ever since we arrived back from our holiday, Mr Man has decided that we will be moving there! In November no less! So I’m slightly stressed out.)

So, I’m either stressed out or the pregnancy tests that I have are Rubbish.

The only pregnancy symptoms I can figure out that I may have is sore and sensitive breasts and increased appitite (but that could be stress anyway).

My friend has suggested I go to the doctors to do a pregnancy blood test. I think it’s still a bit early, but I guess I really want to know since we will be moving country soon, I need to know how to plan my life in the next few months!

So that’s the short update.

oxox,
S.

I’ve just realized that this blog has been extremely a sad place to hang out at! Oh Dear!

I vow to make this a happier place and not just a place where I dump my sad feelings. I promise to share more happy thoughts and not just frustrations.

S, if you didn’t figure it out from the last post, my test result came back negative once again. I’m much more upbeat about it this time around. Well, I still do get down for a day or two, but there’s really no time to mope around, is there?

Perhaps it’s just a sign for me to really get my life in order. Get that diploma I’ve been drooling over and then start a family. The doctor was probably right, I’m still young, I shouldn’t worry yet. I pray that I become a bit more healthier and that Mr. Man also follows suit too.

If all fails, we will go for IVF as a last resort. I just need to be ready and prepared for what’s ahead and to be realistic. In the mean time, the world doesn’t stop revolving while I’m waiting for a baby, does it? Come on, back to life!

oxox,
S.

I really didn’t want this blog to be my emotional punching bag but it’s become quite therapeutic for me. I’ve been able to have a conversation with the world and just say what I feel without feeling like I’m being judged.

The joy of a new life entering this world with my nephew was such a lovely experience but the thought of having our own is always on top of my mind. We’ve been trying for a few months now and it feels extremely frustrating to not get pregnant. I’ve been counting days as well as doing fertility tests too, but to no avail.

My girlfriend, who has been trying too just told me that she got a positive test, I was thrilled and excited that she had the positive result, but deep down, I wished that we could go through this pregancy together, even though we were so far apart in distance.

I pray and hope that we do get pregnant soon but who am I to force nature?

Mr. Man is forever supportive. He knows that I get a bit sad for a few days after I get my period and a negative test result. It’s just seems horribly hard, that’s all.

We’ve started to discuss IVF, I don’t really want to go into using Clomid (super ovulation drugs) or IUI. Perhaps we’ll wait until next year to get to the IVF stage. I still want to complete a diploma and go to school too, so perhaps I can try IVF after I finish school.

It’s such a hard road but I will endeavour to complete it, one way or another. God willing.

oxox,
S.

I’ve arrived in the mother land. I flew back to my homeland to be here to welcome my nephew into the world. A bit of background information on my sister before I go on so you can understand how I feel about all of this.

Ms J and I are about 7 years apart. We’re from different fathers. She’s part of the 2nd set of children my mother had with her 2nd husband. As we grew up, I don’t think we were that close. People used to compare her to me a lot and I really didn’t like it. In fact, it annoyed the crap out of me! So growing up was tough for her, having me as a big sister. I’ve found it hard to maintain a relationship with her.

It all went down hill when my mother’s 2nd husband (her father) decided that another lady should be part of the marriage and married her in secret. This tore our family apart. He says that it was marital issues (i.e. my mother wasn’t doing her wifely duties – which, may I add, is a lie) and my mother, on the other hand, kept on being brainwashed by him the whole time. So, to cut the story short, that marriage didn’t work out, he ended up staying with the other woman and my mother, became a single parent again, to 5 children.

He didn’t really support much of his 3 children. It was only random times when he gave money and not on a consistent basis. He believed that the government was giving money to my mother to support the children, which, in turn, meant that he didn’t have to. What he doesn’t understand is that the government gives the money because the parents can’t make it to the minimum wage, they are not there to be relied on all the time. A father is still a father and always has his responsibilities.

So, when it came to fighting for custody for his children, he fought like hell and brainwashed his children to say that he should have the custody, when clearly, he could not cope with them financially, emotionally and physically. On top of that, his was living in another country! To add wound to the salt, his new wife dislikes his children. He was fighting for custody of his child who was a teenager and resided in another country in which my mother was staying in.

Just to have his name to say that she, Ms J, was under his “care”. How do you parent when you’re in another country? He didn’t pay for her school fees, nor was he able to watch over her. Instead of letting her stay with her mother, who could watch over her, he let her stay at her own place or stay with other people.

With him being away with his new family. There was nothing much we could do. We had to watch the free fall of Ms J. She got into so much debt and fell pregnant once before. There was nothing we could do, she wasn’t under my mother’s care. But she often came to see my mother, complaining that she didn’t have money. My mother had to learn to switch off.

How do you switch off on your own child? I spent many years, parenting my younger siblings because their father was not around. I feel like a parent, I always have. It’s just sad and annoying that her father does not want to take responsibility of his own children. It’s like he’s washed his hands of his children from his first marriage.

Watching Ms J holding her newly born son, I felt so separated from her. I looked at my Mum and she looked distant too. The proud father doted on his new son and Mum and I just stood there, like extras on the ER set.

It wasn’t that I was jealous that she had a baby before me, it was just a sense of loss for me. That we’ve finally lost her. She’s a grown up now and we have to step back. This letting go thing is much harder than I thought it would be. I hate not being in control (I’m a slight control freak), but this is the lesson I have to learn.

On a brighter note, it certainly was a magical moment when he entered the world. We now have a new family member on board and I can’t wait to see him again!

oxox,
S.

P.S. I have to do a pregnancy test at the end of this week. Wish me luck.

When making a baby, the waiting around makes me feel irked and annoyed. I don’t like to wait around for results. It’s nerve wrecking and always such a disappointment for me.

Mr. Man works on shift and at times, he’s just way too tired to even “try” and I’m just left there thinking that this whole thing is way too hard! It’s nothing like they say it is when you’re trying to make a baby. Those lucky enough to make a baby in a moment of passion are very lucky indeed. It doesn’t come easy for some.

My baby making moral feels like it’s an all time low and I was even checking out IVF treatments in…wait for it…India! I know, how crazy is that, right? I haven’t even gone to the first step of taking Clomid yet and I’m thinking of IVF in India. I’m not a very patient person, I usually want results…yesterday!

It doesn’t help when you have a pregnant friend who tries to taunt you in a joking manner about being “jealous” that you’re not pregnant like her and she is younger than you. People who have married after you are now popping out babies, some are already up to their second one. It’s frustrating and sad. Urgh, help!

Give me a day or two to snap out of this negative streak, I’ll be ok after I get my head on straight again.

oxox,

S.

My apologies for not being around for a while. I haven’t been the best of heath. My migraines led me to pull out the remaining 3 wisdom teeth I had. It has been a horrendous week with me eating soft food for most of the week. Today is the day I get my stitches out and I truly can’t wait!

While this whole migraine and wisdom teeth thing has been going on, the baby making has obviously been put on ice.

My cycle started last this month, somewhere along the lines of 32 days or so. I noticed that my cervical fluid also started a lot later then it was supposed to. By then, we had tired ourselves silly trying but then not really knowing if I was ovulating or not. It was confirmed by late arrival of my period.

I need to listen to my body more rather than use a computer generated ovulation timer. These are all lessons I’m learning…Slowly but surely!

oxox,
S.

Sorry for not updating after the check up with Dr. C. The results were in for Mr. Man’s little swimmers. It looks like the amount of his swimmers which are “alive/valid” is not 2% and not the usual 15% and they’re also a little slow on the swimming. Bummer!

Actually, I was relieved that all the tests were done. The migraines were killing me and I think it was the stress. Not to mention my wisdom teeth giving me grief too! That’s right, I’ve got to get them out, as soon as I can.

So, back to the burning topic at hand here. Yes, I was relieved the testing was over because Mr. Man and I had made a decision before seeing Dr. C. that we would try to conceive naturally for the next 6 months. If, in the next 6 months we still don’t have a bun in the oven…then we will proceed to the first step Dr. C. has informed us about with assistant/medicated reproduction.

I’m just really trying to take it easy. Keeping my schedule nice and free and doing some major body detoxes along with yoga classes every 2nd day. This body of mine is stressed out. It needs to relax.

With my non-ovulation state and with Mr. Man’s slow swimmers, we really need to get our health back on track so the baby project can be well on it’s way!

oxox,
S.

It’s been a tough week and a bit. I’ve been suffering some crazy migraines and I can’t seem to shake them off! 10 years ago, I suffered from some head pounding migraines that was caused by some serious stress…with school exams and family issues always cropping up, I wasn’t surprised I was suffering.

Perhaps the whole baby making process has been way too difficult and stressful for me and it’s finally getting to me. My day job requires me to stare at a computer screen for hours on end too. So I’ve had to really cut down my time on the computer and replace it with mindless resting on the bed in a dark room. It’s horrible not being able to do anything! I just want to crawl under a rock and sleep the pain away.

I’ve been trying not to pop too many pills. When I say pills, I mean Panadol. The maximum an adult is allowed to take is 8 in one day. Last week, I took 6 in one day, my record so far, definitely something I am NOT proud of! I’ve really been trying to do some kind of pain management. I try to meditate and do some deep breathing while I’m lying down on the bed. Sometimes it works…sometimes it doesn’t.

I know what the doctors will want me to do…they will want me to get a CAT scan on my head. I had it done all those years ago and they couldn’t find anything, I was just stressed.

Mr. Man and I took the weekend off and headed up to another major city in a neighbouring country for some well deserved R&R. Unfortunately, I still had the head pains. I managed to pop more Panadol to kill off the pain for a while. I hate being sick while I’m on vacation, I just wanted to do nothing! On a positive note, I didn’t spend much money at all…I was in no mood to shop!

I spent a bit of time speaking to those closest to me about my quest to get pregnant. It has only been 3 months since I started this journey and it’s still early days. My mother told me that it took her 3 years to conceive my older brother and they had tried everything and only got pregnant once they stopped trying. A work friend of mine tried for 18 months before she conceived her twin boys and another friend, who is my age, took 3 years to conceive.

I’ve only been at it for 3 months and I’m stressed out…!

My work friend said that she kept on getting migraines when she was pregnant with her twins. That kind of shocked me because I didn’t take a pregnancy test before the HSG scan. I just assumed that I was not pregnant because I had my period a few days before the scan. It seemed like a normal period, so I took it as a sign of not being pregnant.

I haven’t done a pregnancy test yet, but I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant…but then I’m also not so sure that I am either! I’ve been doing some poking around on the Internet and I’ve checked out some cases of women who were pregnant during the HSG scan procedure, all with different outcomes. You can read up on it here.

I’m just afraid that, if I was pregnant during the procedure, that I may have harmed the baby.

But then again, I don’t think I’m pregnant.

I’ve decided to closely monitor my cycle and have ordered a bulk pack of Ovulation and Pregnancy Tests. This will help me monitor if I’m ovulating or not.

Those of you who are trying to conceive, don’t feel like a failure, keep on going, let me know your progress!

oxox,
S.

*Note to self* Calm down, this is part of nature.

P.S. I’m going to see Dr. C. tomorrow morning to discuss the results of Mr. Man’s sperm test and my HSG test. Lets hope for the best!

So I spent Wednesday morning gallivanting around this little humid island we call home. I had my doctor’s appointment on the Wednesday morning and I decided to bring Mr. Man with me. If you remember my previous post, we couldn’t have a serious conversation about sex without him breaking out into laughter.

That’s right, the man I married is still a boy at heart.

Dr. C. went through the results of my blood test clearly with me. The good news was that I tested negative for diabetes, which has worried me because it is quite present in my family’s medical history. That’s one complication I don’t want right now!

So Dr. C. proceeded to tell me about my hormone levels. I had to come in at specific times during my last menstrual cycle to draw blood for the test. Unfortunately, Mr Man and I tried to have a baby in vain this month. I did not ovulate.

Dr. C. then went through what other procedure we could go through to test why I wasn’t ovulating. It just so happens that on the day of my appointment was the 7th day into my current cycle and it was perfect to have a Hysterosalpingogram Scan (HSG). This is to check and see if my fallopian tubes were blocked or not which may be the causes of me not ovulating. Because the hospital I was at didn’t have a female doctor to scan me, I had to go to another hospital which was a short drive away. I just don’t even want to go there with a male doctor unless I really, really, really have to. I’m a shy like that!

It’s not the most comfortable scan…in fact, it felt like I was having menstrual cramps while they were doing the test. It’s like an extended pap smear but you have to wriggle from left to right to get a scan image done for each fallopian tube.  I certainly was glad it was over!

The doctor who did the scan happily told me that my tubes were clear! I was happy that they were.

However…

I was disappointed…but then, my disappointment became sadness. All the what if’s started to pop up in my head.

• What if I never ovulate?
• What if I don’t have any eggs to ovulate and make babies?
• What if our relationship won’t be able to withstand this test?
• What if I have to adopt?

So many what if’s…Mr Man started to get agitated with my what if’s. He became stressed out from all my doubts. Which woman wouldn’t think such things? We are natural worriers, aren’t we?

Dr. C. then brought up the question that I dreaded to Mr Man…”Would you do a sperm test?” Heh…I didn’t look at Mr Man when Dr. C. Asked him the dreaded question. He said he would…so off we went with a plastic container in hand…home…he wasn’t prepared to get it done there and then. Dr. C. understood, she said to him, “You’re not mentally prepared to give a sample now,” and Mr. Man replied with a chuckle, “Yeah.”

So he got through the doctor’s appointment with me without breaking out into laughter as Dr. C. drew the cervix on the piece of paper. I was impressed, let me tell you that!

What saddened me was when Dr. C. started to explain the “other” procedures we could go through if natural conception was going to be difficult. I just didn’t want to go there, I always hoped that I could conceive naturally and I still do hope, it’s still early days.

Some of the options could risk my health and some could really cost a lot of money too.

My next appointment with Dr. C. will be next Wednesday and we’ll get the results back from the sperm test. Mr. Man and I have already decided to try naturally for the next 6 months before we commit to any procedures or medication.

I didn’t know that making a baby would be so stressful!

oxox,
S.

I guess all of those “symptom” were just my imagination. I just got my period today (one day earlier than expected) and I’m not quite sure how I feel about it.

Part of me is upset that the oven is officially empty and another part of me is relieved that I’m not pregnant. I know I want to be pregnant but I’m also always aware of my weight issue. This is the first year that I’ve really got back into my exercise routine and have shed about 4kg (about 9Lb) since the start of the year. I need to lose another 20kg (about 44Lb) to really be healthier.

I’m not obese, I’m just slightly over weight. I’m very tall compared to everyone else in my family and my bone structure is quite thick. My father is of European decent and his mother and him are extremely tall people. I guess I’ve been blessed with their genes because my mother is extremely short.

Living in Asia doesn’t help me much with my self image, everyone is very short and petite! Lucky for me, Mr. Man is the same high as me and around about the same size, give or take a few kilos. So here’s to getting healthy…uh…after our holiday next week!

oxox,
S.